4th of July 2015 just hit, and with only 24 hours to go on act 1 of the event, EA gave us a new president to add to our collection, Richard Nixon. What does the other presidents think of the the least-great president on Springfield? Find out right after the jump for the premium walkthrough!
When you log in the game, Gil will appear in town, with a mark over his head. After tapping on it, he’ll offer Richard Nixon!
Ol’ Gil has returned to Springfield with something both amazing and physics-defying.
With the power of my non-patented snake oiled time machine, I give you everyone’s… eh… “favorite” Commander-In-Chief!
…shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow. Vice President Ford will be sworn in as President-
WHAT THE — WHAT IS THIS PLACE? WHERE DID THE OVAL OFFICE GO? AND WHY IS EVERYONE GLARING AND HISSING AT DICK NIXON?
It must be that time of year again. Another ex-President has somehow appeared in Springfield.
President Nixon, welcome to the year 2015. It’s an honor to… that is to say, it’s nice to… er, it’s actually not that great to meet you.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? TELL ME, AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT — IS NIXON REMEMBERED AS AMERICA’S MOST ABHORRENT POLITICAL SCOUNDREL?
Well, uh… kinda.
AND ALL BLAME FOR THE SCANDAL THAT ENDED MY PRESIDENCY RESTS ON DICK NICKSON’S SHOULDERS?
Then the plan worked. And America is safe. Thank God Almighty for that.
Wait… plan? What plan?
DICK NICKSON HAS SAID TOO MUCH! DICK NICKSON WILL SAY NO MORE!
What plan is former President Nixon referring to? What’s the real story behind America’s worst political scandal?
And what do George Washington and Abraham Lincoln think of our most reviled President? Build the Scandal-gate Hotel to find out!
If the user denies:
What kind of a patriot doesn’t purchase Richard Nixon on the Fourth of July? He’s America’s forty-fourth most beloved President!
To be honest, I get it. I really do. I tried to get ANYONE but Nixon. Called up Jefferson, Grant, both Roosevelts….
But their royalty fees are too high. It’s hard to get the prestigious ones. They’re not as desperate.
I did manage to sell six Nixons, at least. I hope ol’ Gil can live off that income for an entire year….
If the user accepts:
The Scandal-gate Hotel. What a groovy old crib. Make sure to order the Continental breakfast. It’s far out.
Gee, I wouldn’t expect you to remember this place so fondly, Mr. President.
Dick Nixon tries not to live in the past. The great karmic wheel turns ever onward, carrying us where it will. Just sit back and dig the ride, little sister.
“Dig the ride?” Are you, like, doing a character right now?
This is the real Nixon, baby. The “character” was the stuffed-shirt phony you knew as your President. That was all an act to keep “The Man” off Dick Nixon’s back.
So this is how you actually talk? It’s seriously not a joke?
Now that I’m out of the political game, I can finally let my freak flag fly. Right on. Right. On.
It’s actually pretty annoying. If you don’t mind my saying so.
Hey, you gotta speak your truth. Now let’s go get some beers.
I’m an eight-year-old girl!
Nixon got a Presidential pardon. That means Nixon and all his good buddies can do whatever they want.
That’s not how that works.
Whatever. Politics are dumb. I’m Audi 5000.
If you accept the offer, a questline with Richard Nixon will start.
Richard Nixon starts
This just in! Last night, a break-in occurred at the historic Scandal-gate Hotel.
The thieves raided the headquarters of the Springfield Botanical Society, making off with $9.78 in petty cash and some packets of seeds.
Several of the seed packets were for petunias. I don’t know why that detail is considered relevant by the half-wits who wrote this copy for me to read off the teleprompter.
A break-in at the Scandal-gate? It’s happening again…
I’ll get my best man on it. My best man is not very good, unfortunately. He’s terrible. But he’s a slightly better man than my other men, who are all shockingly bad men.
Task: Make Richard Nixon Turn Himself In
If the user has Police Station: Location: Police Station
If the user doesn’t have Police Station: Location: Scandal-gate Hotel
On job start:
Look no further, copper! Nixon is your man. Nixon is behind this heinous crime.
Isn’t that impossible? You just beamed into town like five minutes ago.
Nixon did it, and now he’s orchestrating a vast cover-up to hide his involvement. This thing goes all the way to the top.
Mr. President, why are you trying to take the blame for something you obviously didn’t do?
Nixon obviously did so do it. Nixon’s behind this despicable political attack. Arrest Nixon.
On job end:
What political reason could there be for you to target a group of elderly gardening enthusiasts?
Follow the money.
Nine dollars and seventy-eight cents? THAT money?
I know! Nixon must be a lunatic. But he definitely did it. Just like in 1972.
Scandal-gate Pt. 2
Richard Nixon starts
Mr. President, now that we’re alone, please tell me why you’re taking the fall for the break-in at the Scandal-gate?
I have to. Just like I had to in 1972. To protect the American people.
But you WERE behind that break-in! Everybody knows that. There were YEARS of investigations, THOUSANDS of articles…
All lies, planted by the jive turkeys who were really behind it. They were running scared. Because Nixon and his friends had cracked the case.
Dick Nixon, you see, is a master detective. Nixon makes Sherlock Holmes look like a blithering idiot. And Nixon filled his White House with fellow super-sleuths.
Ehrlichman, John Dean, Haldeman and Nixon called ourselves “The Mystery Solvers Club.” We had closed hundreds of cases the fuzz deemed “unsolvable.”
At night, we prowled the streets of D.C., magnifying glasses in hand, collecting clues.
But when, in 1972, we realized the truth behind the break-in, we decided it was too big, too terrible to ever get out.
The American people need to believe in their government. But they also need the bad guys to get caught. So we let ourselves BECOME the bad guys.
It’s like in “The Dark Knight” when Batman lets himself be framed for the murder of Harvey Dent. Nixon is pretty sure that’s based on Nixon, by the way.
I’ve never seen it.
Never seen “The Dark Knight?” How is that even possible? It’s like my seventh-favorite movie EVER. Come on. We’re watching it right now.
Task: Make Richard Nixon Watch “The Dark Knight”
Task: Make Lisa Watch “The Dark Knight”
Location: Simpson Home
Scandal-gate Pt. 3
Richard Nixon starts
NOW do you see, Lisa? NOW do you dig how Dick Nixon is maybe an even better Batman than Christian Bale?
Not really. What WAS this horrible truth you were trying to keep from the American people?
In Washington, nothing is as it seems. What you think you know, you don’t. And what you definitely don’t know, you do.
Tell me — who are the LAST two people you would ever expect to be the masterminds of the break-in?
Geez, I don’t know… Probably Woodward and Bernstein?
Task: Make Richard Nixon Blow Everyone’s Minds
Task: Make Lisa Get her Mind Blown
Location: Scandal-gate Hotel
Scandal-gate Pt. 4
Woodward and Bernstein were crusading, intrepid reporters who re-established the rule of law in Washington!
They were conservative operatives posing as reporters, at a hardline neo-Fascist think tank posing as The Washington Post.
It says so on the masthead: “The Washington Post is a front for a hardline neo-Fascist think tank.” Why doesn’t anyone ever read the masthead?
Well, it’s kind of small print. I assumed it wasn’t that important…
Anyway, those reactionaries had to do SOMETHING to stop me. They knew about my second-term agenda.
Please understand that Nixon’s biography is a lie. Nixon grew up on an anarchist Marxist Buddhist hippie commune on the upper slopes of Mount Everest.
Where the air is far too thin to breathe…
NIXON WAS LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD, AND NIXON SAYS SHUT UP.
Task: Make Lisa Sulk
Location: Simpson Home
Scandal-gate Pt. 5
Richard Nixon starts
Anyway, Nixon spent decades deep undercover as a Republican. All to set up my glorious second term. I called it: “The Love Agenda.”
We were gonna press the “reset” button on America. No more military, no more money. No more “rich” and “poor.”
No more “police.” No more “fire department” or “hospitals.” Just people, you know? Hanging out, digging on good music and positive vibes.
That’s a great system. Very well thought out.
Then Woodward and Bernstein caught wind of it, and eighty-sixed the whole beautiful vision.
But we’ll get there. People are too damn groovy not to get there.
I really hope you’re wrong about that.
In fact, I’m gonna go soak up some love right now. Later, square.
So long, Another Intensely Disappointing Ex-President.
Task: Make Richard Nixon Wave to the People
System Message: Unlock Washington and Lincoln to see what our greatest Presidents think of our least-great President!
If you’ve Quimby unlocked, a small one-part quest will also unlock.
Mr. Nixon, sir? As a career politician with a deep commitment to serving the needs of myself, I am honored to meet you.
The pleasure is all Nixon’s, Nixon’s main man.
I was wondering — as a relative novice in the ways of political wrongdoing, might I pick your brain for a bit? With all humility, of course…
Nixon apologizes if this seems indiscreet, but, what is this “I” word you use to indicate you are discussing yourself?
Er ah… the first person singular. Indicating the speaker is referring to him- or herself.
Dick Nixon is not familiar with this particular turn of phrase. Dick Nixon feels that it connotes weakness in the speaker.
But isn’t it — forgive me, oh Vile Sachem — kind of mandatory? An inescapable convention of — by your pardon, oh Satanic Sage — the English language?
Well, Dick Nixon doesn’t claim that Richard M. Nixon has a scholar’s grasp of grammatical rules.
But it seems to Richard Milhouse Nixon that–
Milhouse: Hey! My name is Milhouse!
Go away, blue child.
–anyway, it seems to Nixon that a great leader should always separate himself from the rules of grammar, or, it seems, all reasonable behavior.
I will learn… er, that is, Quimby will learn this moronic lesson well.
Task: Make Quimby Practice Speaking in the Third Person
Location: Town Hall
If you unlocked all three presidents (Richard Nixon, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln), a final quest will unlock.
Richard Nixon starts
What it is, Abe?
Richard Nixon! What in the blazes are you doing here?
Got sucked into a time vortex or something. Same as you.
Is that Dick Nixon?
I hate that dude.
He’s not the best.
Whoa, daddy-os! We’re all ex-Presidents here. Why the cold shoulder?
Gee, I don’t know… maybe because you very nearly destroyed the government I worked so hard to build?
Yeah, the same government I gave my LIFE for.
It’s just… we know, okay? We know you got assassinated.
Well, I did.
You just don’t have to mention it in like every conversation, is all.
Oh, I’m sorry if my taking a bullet to the head is so unpleasant for you. I can assure you, it was far worse from where I was sitting.
Look. It’s not a competition: “Who was a better President, Abe or George?” You’ve got nothing to prove. So relax.
I didn’t realize that my sacrifice — THE GREATEST SACRIFICE A MAN CAN MAKE, BY THE WAY — was something I should be ashamed of. So sorry.
Whatever. Drop it.
Whoa! Getting a little icy in here, boys. Whaddya say we take it down a notch, and all kick back with our favorite pastimes?
Task: Make George Washington Try to Cut Down a Cherry Tree
Location: Ye Olde Cherry Tree
Task: Make Abraham Lincoln Split Rails
Location: Lincoln’s Cabin
Task: Make Richard Nixon Bowl Around Town
George, we can argue for eternity about which of us was the greatest, but at least we agree on one thing.
Nixon was the worst.
Come on, it wasn’t all bad! I opened up China to the West. That was HUGE.
That’s your thing, isn’t it? Like how Lincoln always mentions he got shot. You’re all: “sure, I disgraced the office, but remember China! What about China?”
He does bring it up a lot.
But seriously, George, for the record — I DID get shot.
Finally, if you buy the Presidential Estate, a small quest will appear for Homer and (if you have him) Bart.
Be back in five minutes, Marge. Bart and I are gonna egg the Presidential Estate.
That doesn’t seem very patriotic of you. I thought you admired the President?
I did! For his first six months in office. Then, like all Americans, I realized that he’s the problem with everything.
And on and on the cycle goes.
Anyway, it’s free speech or something. You do want our son to learn about free speech, don’t you?
I guess. Just don’t use the organic eggs. They’re expensive.
Task: Make Homer Egg the Presidential Estate
If the user has Bart: Task: Make Bart Egg the Presidential Estate
Location: Presidential Estate
This is all for now, join us tomorrow for Act 2 of the Tap Ball event! Happy tapping!