The Kid With No Name: Call me… The Kid With No Name. Righter of wrongs. Protector of the meek. Shooter of buttwads.
Martin: Kid With No Name! I need your help!
Martin: The bullies have been mocking me at my dance recitals. Can you teach them a lesson?
The Kid With No Name: What’s in it for the Kid?
Martin: I thought vigilantes didn’t ASK to be paid. I am the meek, sir. You should protect me pro bono.
The Kid With No Name: Hey the Kid is just starting out. Once the Kid gets on his feet, maybe he’ll be in a position to work for free.
Martin: Fine. How about a week’s worth of homework?
The Kid With No Name: The Kid With No Name accepts.
Task: Make Kid With No Name Send Bullies a Message
Time: Springfield Elementary
Nelson: Haw haw! Martin cares about something!
The Kid With No Name: Time for you to leave the recital, punk. No refunds.
Nelson: Whoa. Did you just pull a GUN on me? Ever heard of a proportional response, psycho?
The Kid With No Name: The Kid’s anger gets away from him sometimes. It’s something the Kid is working on in therapy. Now scram.
The Lone Danger Pt. 2
Lisa: Help, Bart!
The Kid With No Name: There’s no Bart here, ma’am.
Lisa: *sigh* Okay, “Kid With No Name.” Have it your way.
Lisa: Your friend — sorry — my BROTHER’S friend Milhouse is still sending me Valentines. It’s March. That’s creepy.
The Kid With No Name: I deal with this kind of thing all the time, ma’am.
Lisa: Pffft! Sure you do, Bart–
The Kid With No Name: IT’S “KID,” LISA! NO ONE KNOWS WHO I AM. YOU’RE THE WORST SISTER IN THE WORLD!
Lisa: Geez, sorry. Listen, KID, take care of this and I’ll eat your vegetables for a month.
Task: Make Kid With No Name Send Milhouse a Message
Time: Van Houten House
Milhouse: Puppy Goo-Goo? Puppy Goo-Goo, where are you?
The Kid With No Name: I got your age-inappropriate security animal right here.
The Kid With No Name: Stop sending Lisa Simpson Valentines, or the puppy hangs from the tallest tree.
Milhouse: I’m not STUPID, Bart. She’s just a stuffed doll.
The Kid With No Name: *COCKS GUN AT PUPPY GOO-GOO’S HEAD*
Milhouse: Okay, okay — whatever you say! Just don’t hurt her!
The Lone Danger Pt. 3
The Kid With No Name: The Kid With No Name. Wherever justice is in short supply, he rides a lonesome trail to–
Marge: Bart? Can I talk to you.
The Kid With No Name: CAN’T YOU SEE I’M PLAYING PRETEND? Oh, forget it. The moment’s gone. What’s up?
Marge: I hear you’ve been doing some questionable favors for your friends.
The Kid With No Name: Nope, not me. Probably Maggie.
Maggie: *indignant suck*
Marge: If you deny it, I know it’s true. But this one time, I’m going to forgive you lying to me.
Marge: Mainly because I need your help. Skinner always awards Helen Lovejoy the School Fair Bake-Off trophy.
Marge: I don’t know what she’s got on him, but this year I want that trophy. Send a message to Skinner.
The Kid With No Name: What’s in it for me?
Marge: Not being grounded for the remainder of the year.
The Kid With No Name: Good deal, good deal.
Task: Make Kid With No Name Send Skinner a Message
Time: Springfield Elementary
Skinner: Someone crossed all the names off the Bake-Off list, except Marge Simpson!
Skinner: And they used my vintage crayon collection to do it! It’s ruined!
Marge: Thank you, Kid! Mmmm-wah!
The Kid With No Name: Mom!
The Lone Danger Pt. 4
Mr. Burns starts
Mr. Burns: Are you the one they call “The Kid with the Self-Contradictory Name?”
The Kid With No Name: It’s “…With No Name.” But now that you mention it, yeah, I guess I do have a name after all.
Mr. Burns: Thanks for spelling it out for us all.
Mr. Burns: Anyhoo, I have need of your services.
Mr. Burns: If you’re half the marksman they say you are, I’ll pay you anything you like.
Task: Make Kid With No Name Demonstrate His Skills
Time: Control Building
The Lone Danger Pt. 5
Mr. Burns starts
Mr. Burns: Very impressive!
Mr. Burns: Now, to the task at hand.
Mr. Burns: Meet me here tomorrow at exactly this time.
Mr. Burns: I need you to “take care” of an associate of mine.
The Kid With No Name: “Take care?” Not sure I like the sound of that…
Task: Make Kid With No Name Have a Moral Crisis
Time: Simpson House
The Kid With No Name: Mr. Burns? I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t think I’m quite ready to “take care of” anyone.
The Kid With No Name: Maybe I’ll be ready in a few years. Like, when I’m twelve.
Mr. Burns: Oh, you didn’t think I meant “take care of” as in “take care of?” No, not at all!
Mr. Burns: I meant I want you to kill him. Kill my associate.
The Kid With No Name: Actually that IS what I thought.
Mr. Burns: No, no! You misunderstand! Kill my associate with KINDNESS!
Mr. Burns: By taking extra special, sweet care of him…
Mr. Burns: …so that he is so overwhelmed with joy, he dies in screaming agony. Never to trouble me again.
The Kid With No Name: I’m confused.
Mr. Burns: Yeah, me too. Let’s just part ways and call it a quest, all right?
Bart: Look, Milhouse! A stable! Let’s break in and see if they have one of those talking “Babe” pigs.
Milhouse: What would we do with a Babe pig?
Bart: Win sheep herding contests, idiot. Just like we always dreamed.
Task: Make Bart Break In to Corral
Break and Corralling Pt. 2
Bart: No pig in here, but that awful smell is giving me an idea.
Bart: Think about it, Milhouse: why have horses been prized throughout human history?
Milhouse: As a means to travel rapidly over long distances? As a draft animal on farms?
Bart: Wrong. For their ability to create horse poop. And who hates horse poop more than anybody?
Milhouse: Principal Skinner! We had that assembly where he warned us against horse-poop-based pranks.
Bart: “You may smear anything all over my office,” he said. “But please, please, not horse poop.”
Bart: Well, that’s exactly what we’re going to do.
Task: Make Bart Steal Horse Manure
Break and Corralling Pt. 3
Bart: That was perhaps our finest prank ever, Milhouse. Just incredibly hurtful. Well done.
Bart: And the best part is, horse poop is a renewable resource. We can do this again whenever we want.
Milhouse: I don’t know, Bart. That manure was HEAVY. I wish the horses weren’t so far away from school.
Bart: Good thinking, old chum! We’ll move the horses into Willie’s shack.
Milhouse: But… won’t Willie just move them out?
Bart: I know you’re one of those sad kids who considers the school janitor your buddy…
Bart: …but Willie is weird. Really, utterly bizarre. He’ll probably just start talking to them.
Task: Make Bart Sneak Horses into Willie’s Shack
Time: Willie’s Shack
Task: Make Willie Talk With Horse Shack-mates
Time: Willie’s Shack
Willie: Bah, these horses are colder than mum’s moss stew.
Willie: At least you still get me, Rakes-anne.
Willie: Be nice now or ya won’t get a fancy new horse-hair wig.
Lisa: With all these horses around, you start to see their lives in a whole new way.
Lisa: Is it fair that we force these noble beasts to haul people everywhere?
Homer: Not just “people,” Lisa. COWBOYS. Cowboys are cool. And horses care deeply about associating with cool people.
Homer: If we forced them to carry around nerds – an accountant, say, or some total loser like a college professor – THAT would be cruel.
Lisa: I’m not buying it. I think it is inherently wrong and demeaning. IT IS NEVER OKAY TO RIDE A HORSE!
Homer: If you say so. Hey look at that horse. Isn’t that–
Lisa: Princess! It’s you!
Task: Make Lisa Drop Everything and Hug Princess
Grazing Saddles Pt. 2
Lisa: Oh, Princess, I never realized how much I missed riding on your beautiful back. I could just ride you forever.
Homer: Lisa Simpson: World Class Hypocrite!
Lisa: Why?! Just because I said no one should ever ride a horse, and then immediately turned around and did it myself?
Lisa: Okay, I admit it. I’m a backsliding phony. But she is SOOOOO CUTE!!!! I REGRET NOTHING!
Homer: Hey, I’m GLAD you’re a hypocrite. Hypocrites are much happier people. They can do whatever they want!
Homer: I’d hate to see my beloved little girl grow up practicing what she preaches.
Homer: That’s no kind of life at all. I’m proud of my shameless little hypocrite! Go, Lisa, go!
Task: Make Homer Brag at Moe’s
Time: Moe’s Tavern
Task: Make Lisa Brag on Facelook
Time: Simpson House
Grazing Saddles Pt. 3
Millicent: Now Lisa, I hope you will help Princess to develop the “Three Ps”: poise, panache, and pooping only in designated areas.
Millicent: I’d hate to see her turn out like all the other horses in this town. They’re little better than animals!
Lisa: One thing she’ll definitely learn is how to get the heck brushed out of your beautiful mane. I AM ALL OVER THAT THING.
Task: Make Lisa Ride Princess
On job start:
Lisa: What do you think of Princess’ new canter? Rhythmically, it’s a perfect rendition of the drum part to Dave Brubeck’s “Take Five.”
Millicent: Well, I’m not really comfortable with jazz. Too wild. Too new.
Millicent: Yes, dear. I really AM that old. But I suppose I will allow it.
Join us next time for more info on this event, happy tapping!